Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, become known as the
lesser of two weevils.
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One
says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a
book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced
onthe man reading a book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle
knows readers digest and writers cramp.
An Indian goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a
teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with
The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small
florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother
to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So,
the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug
in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed
their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they
did so - thereby proving That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the
bar and announces: ------ "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during
root canal work? ------- He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, ------- "I can't stand chess
Nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately,-------- no pun in ten did.
A dog owner in Dallas had a pit bull that hated to walk. He kept
sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to
drag him by his leash. The owner finally gave up when he realized
that he was creating a . . . bottomless pit!
I have a dog that talks in its sleep but one day a visitor was
astonished to hear the dog bellow "My name is Christopher Columbus!
I am seven hundred years old! I own America! I married Marilyn
Monroe!" When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied,...
"Don't worry about it. . . . just let sleeping dogs lie." (By Sandy
In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very
proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for "Si," and
twice for "No." After being captured by a British commander, the dog
was taught the same trick in English. He thereby became . . . the
world's first "Si" and "Aye" dog! (By Robert W. Leisure)
One time my father accompanied me when I took my dog out for his
evening constitutional. My dog is rather finicky about where he
"does it." I wondered aloud about the criterion he uses to select a
spot. My father replied, ... "it's a process of elimination!"
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins
------- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."