Puns

  1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

  2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, become known as the lesser of two weevils.

  3. Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"

    "No, I lost an electron!"

    "Are you sure?"

    "Yeah, I'm positive!"

  4. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced onthe man reading a book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

  5. An Indian goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

    The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

  6. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

  7. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ------ "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

  8. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? ------- He wanted to transcend dental medication.

  9. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, ------- "I can't stand chess Nuts boasting in an open foyer."

  10. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately,-------- no pun in ten did.

  11. A dog owner in Dallas had a pit bull that hated to walk. He kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to drag him by his leash. The owner finally gave up when he realized that he was creating a . . . bottomless pit!

  12. I have a dog that talks in its sleep but one day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America! I married Marilyn Monroe!" When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied,... "Don't worry about it. . . . just let sleeping dogs lie." (By Sandy Illes)

  13. In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for "Si," and twice for "No." After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English. He thereby became . . . the world's first "Si" and "Aye" dog! (By Robert W. Leisure)

  14. One time my father accompanied me when I took my dog out for his evening constitutional. My dog is rather finicky about where he "does it." I wondered aloud about the criterion he uses to select a spot. My father replied, ... "it's a process of elimination!"

  15. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins ------- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."