Funny News Items:
Today's Stock Market Report:
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued a slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded attempting to recharge the market.
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that
the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out
and give himself up.
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he
lacked "intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million
severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist
and forced him to drive to two different automated teller
machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from
his own bank accounts...
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day
suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week
for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the
mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle,
West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a
classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann
reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be
confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze
that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the
homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system.
"This is even worse than last year," said the distraught
homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for
all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was
too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the
counter himself for three hours until police showed up and
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship
badly enough to pay $10,000 apiece for the first tourist flight
to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space
travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid
the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a
Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible
Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the
views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe
that the con men running this scam made off with over six
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA
blamed his college degree for his murder of three people.
"There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I
had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who
just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives
asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all
your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye
pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his
Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot
down the front of his pants as he was running out the door.
"He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman
Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants."
Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to
hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used
a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he
failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...
A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle
across Florida and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They
noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce
it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed
as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they
pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter,
the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be
able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell
me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males
in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she
knows how to use it and that she will if required.... so get
out of the car.
The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got
out and ran like crazy.
The lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of
the car and got into the drivers seat. Small problem, her key
wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked
four or five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into her
car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant that she told the story to nearly rolled in the
floor with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter
where 4 pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad
elderly white woman......no charges were filed.