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Actual Bloopers and Typos from Church Bulletins...

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.."
3. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
4. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
6. Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
7. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
8. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
9. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
10. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
11. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
12. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
13. Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
18. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
19. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
20. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
22. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
23. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
24. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
25. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to follow.
26. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
27. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
28. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
29. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
30. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
31. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
32. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
33. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
34. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Just Plain Dumb

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electicity had been cut off.
3. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
4. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
5. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Appropriate signs and slogans

1. On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband just fixed."
2. On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip call your plumber."
3. Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
4. At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
5. On the door of the office of a plastic surgeon: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"
6. At a dry cleaner's shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"
7. Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
8. On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
9. In a Nonsmoking Area: " If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
10. On the door to a hospital maternity floor: "Push, Push, Push."
11. At an Optometrists Office: "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."
12. On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
13. On another Taxidermist's window: "You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em."
14. In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
15. On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs."
16. On a fence: "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
17. At a car Dealership : "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
18. Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."
19. On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
20. In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! "
21. On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
22. In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
23. Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
24. In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

Another Dumb Blond

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Why Americans fail Geography classes

1. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
2. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in South Africa." her response....click.
3. A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.
4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
5. I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but they look so close on the map."
6. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
7. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, California is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
9. A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."
10. A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express card."

You Need to Study More Geography If You Think...

1. Andes is an after dinner mint
2. The Balkans are an alien people on Star Trek
3. The English Channel is a TV sitcom about Charles and Di
4. The United Kingdom is a cultural theme park
5. Butte Montana is Joe's new girlfriend
6. Reno Nevada is what you get for being Attorney General
7. The Tropic of Cancer is a sunscreen lotion
8. The $10,000 Pyramid is in Egypt
9. The Gaza Strip is a Middle Eastern folk dance
10. The Ring of Fire is the center ring of Barnum and Bailey's Circus
11. The Bermuda Triangle is a percussion instrument in a reggae band
12. The Cumberland Gap gives out a pair of clogs with every set of jeans sold
13. The International Dateline is a new cable TV network
14. The Equator is a cartoon action figure
15. The Continental Shelf is a specialty section of the supermarket
16. An archipelago is a food stabilizer
17. The Dust Bowl is Granny's old favorite dish
18. A fault is what you find in other people
19. A fjord is a Norwegian car
20. A mantle is what goes over your fireplace
21. Tide is a laundry detergent
22. You can do a research paper to find out who killed the Dead Sea

This is from an old Ann Landers column, and is a list of responses fifth-and sixth-graders have given to science questions:

1. The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
2. You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
3. Someday, we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
4. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
5. There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
6. There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around up there these days.
7. Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
8. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
9. The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
10. I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it, and that's the important thing.
11. Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
12. Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
13. It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.
14. Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.
15. Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
16. A monsoon is a French gentleman.
17. The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
18. To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
19. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I can't make out the numbers.
20. When planets run around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.

Actual label instructions on consumer goods:

1. On Sears hair dryer:
   Do not use while sleeping.
2. On a bag of Fritos:
   You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
3. On a bar of Dial soap:
   Directions: Use like regular soap.
4. Some Swann frozen dinners:
   Serving suggestion: Defrost.
5. On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
   Fits one head.
6. On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
   Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
7. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
   Product will be hot after heating.
8. On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
   Do not iron clothes on body.
9. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
   Do not drive car or operate machinery.
10. On Nytol (a sleep aid):
    Warning: May cause drowsiness.
11. On a Korean kitchen knife:
    Warning keep out of children.
12. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
    For indoor or outdoor use only.
13. On a Japanese food processor:
    Not to be used for the other use.
14. On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
    Warning: contains nuts.
15. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
    Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
16. On a Swedish chainsaw:
    Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Signs Written in "English" From Around the World

1. On a French passenger jet:
   Live West Under Your Seat.
2. In a Tokyo hotel:
   Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notice.
3. In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
   The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
4. In a Leipzig elevator:
   Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
5. In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
   Please leave your values at the front desk.
6. In a hotel in Athens:
   Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
7. In a Yugoslav hotel:
   The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
8. In a Japanese hotel:
   You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
9. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Monastery:
   You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
10. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
    Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
11. In a Swiss mountain inn:
    Special today: no ice cream.
12. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
    Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
13. On the menu of a Polish hotel:
    Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
14. Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
    Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
15. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
    English well talking. Here speeching American.
16. At a Bangkok dry cleaners:
    Drop your trousers here for best results.
17. Outside a Paris dress shop:
    Dresses for street walking.
18. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
    Would you like to ride on your own ass?
19. At a Rhodes tailor shop:
    Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
20. Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
    There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
21. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
    It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
22. In a Zurich hotel:
    Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
23. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
    Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
24. In a Rome laundry:
    Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
25. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
    Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
26. At a Budapest zoo:
    Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
27. At the office of a Rome doctor:
    Specialist in women and other diseases.
28. At an Acapulco hotel:
    The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
29. At a Tokyo shop:
    Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
30. A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
    Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
31. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
    When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.
32. In a Bangkok temple:
    It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
33. In a Tokyo bar:
    Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
34. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
    We take your bags and send them in all directions.
35. On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
    If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.